Illustration by Mike Maihack

By Doug Peterson

Tennessee comedian Torry Martin is slated to write a new column for Clash Entertainment. We asked Torry to introduce himself to Clash Entertainment readers, but unfortunately he is very reluctant to talk about himself. So we turned to Jack Bauer, interrogator extraordinaire and hero of the hit television show, 24, to make Torry talk. (Since 24 has gone off the air, Jack has been freelancing to make ends meet.) Here is a transcript of that interrogation.

The following takes place between 7:00 a.m. and 7:24 a.m.

Jack Bauer: (Looking very angry) All right, hippie boy, tell me about the comedy routines you perform in churches and comedy clubs around the country. Aren’t they based on your experiences in Alaska, where you once lived in a remote and very primitive cabin? And isn’t it true that you were once chased into an outhouse on the Kenai Peninsula by a nesting goshawk? Talk! Now!

Torry: (Giggling) Did you know a vein pops out on your forehead when you get angry? And I just love your show. I saw an episode recently when…Oh look! A bald eagle!

Torry points out the window, where a bald eagle flies overhead.

Jack Bauer: Focus on me! Not the bird of prey!

Torry: I’m sorry, I’ve had ADD all my life and my attention span is…Oh look, another bald eagle! Did you know Alaska has more bald eagles than…

Jack Bauer: (slamming his hand on the desk) I said look at me!

Jack snarls, but Torry cannot keep from laughing.

Jack Bauer: What’s so funny?

Torry: I was just thinking about when that nesting goshawk chased me into an outhouse. That really happened, you know.

Jack Bauer: Enough with the goshawk! I’ve got questions and I need answers! Isn’t it true that Alaska was the turning point in your life? Weren’t you trying to run from God, but He tracked you down on the Last Frontier? And can you verify that it was in Alaska where you first started calling yourself a Hippie for the Holy One?

Torry: Yes, yep and actually it was someone else who called me a hippie for the holy one but the name sorta stuck. But Jack buddy, if you already know all this, why are you asking me?

Jack gets in Torry’s face.

Jack Bauer: Because I need confirmation!

Torry: Aren’t you a little old for that? I thought confirmation happened between the ages of 15 to 18?

Jack Bauer: Just answer my questions, funny man! I have been told that you started writing for the popular Focus on the Family radio show, Adventures in Odyssey, while living in Alaska. Do you deny it?

Torry: It’s true. Paul McCusker, the Adventures in Odyssey producer, asked me to create a character that was loosely based on myself.

Jack Bauer: You mean bumbling, bizarre, gullible, and naïve?

Torry: Wow, Jack. That’s the first time I’ve heard myself described that way by someone I respect. I’m a person who hardly gets any compliments, let alone four in a row. Thanks! Anyway, the end result was a character known as Wooten Bassett and he’s pretty easily distracted too. Hey! Can I play with your gun?

Jack grabs Torry by the shirt collar.

Jack Bauer: Tell me now! What do you intend to do with your new column on Clash Entertainment?

Torry: I dunno. Teach people stuff about God while being funny I guess. Same ‘ol, same ‘ol.

Jack Bauer: There’s something I have to know and you are going to tell me! (Through gritted teeth) What is the secret to your success?

Torry: God. God is the secret. See I learned that God will use anybody who surrenders their talent to Him, and that applies whether you’re leading worship or working in counterterrorism.

Jack Bauer: Word on the street is, God had to smack you on the head to prove that He could use even you, an oversized, bearded, long-haired, red-headed hippie with ADD. And that it wasn’t until you won the grand prize in acting and writing at the Gospel Music Association competition that you finally understood that God could use you? Do you deny it?

Torry: Of course not. Why would I deny Christ? I totally confess! Jesus turned my life around. I never expected that it could happen, but life is full of surprises. Like I also never thought I’d weigh this much but- surprise!

Jack Bauer directs a bright light in Torry’s eyes. Torry uses the light to make moose shadow puppets with his hands.

Jack Bauer: All right Torry Martin, if that’s your real name, tell me what kind of projects you’re working on right now. Spill it!

Torry: Well, I’m writing screenplays, performing comedy, acting, teaching at conferences and…oh! What I’m really excited about right now is writing a book about my Alaskan adventures with a fellow named Doug Peterson!

Jack Bauer: Never heard of him! He’s not in our CTU database.

Torry: Doug has written extensively for VeggieTales—over forty books. He also wrote the story for Larry-Boy and the Rumor Weed. That’s the video where the weed pops up in Bumblyburg and…

Jack Bauer: I know what it’s about! After I save a major American city from total destruction, I always relax by putting on my Larry-Boy costume and watching VeggieTales. (Jack begins to sing.) If you like to talk to tomatoes, if a squash can make you smile, if you like to waltz with potatoes up and down the produce aisle. (Jack slams his fist into the wall.) Do you like to waltz with potatoes? Do you? Tell me! Now!

Torry: Of course I do. I also like to rumba with rutabagas. But who doesn’t? By the way, that VeggieTales theme song could be a very effective torture method if used correctly. One time I was the only adult on a long road trip with pre-schoolers, and that song became the audible equivalent of water boarding for my ears.

Jack Bauer: (Impressed) Thanks for the hot tip. (Confidentially) Off the record, at the CTU day care center they use a “Silly Songs with Larry” CD to calm home-grown terrorists AKA four-year olds. It works better than telling them stories.

Torry: Interesting. And speaking of stories, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell people where to get a DVD of my comedy routines about my time in Alaska. You can find it at www.torrystories.com. That’s…

Jack Bauer: We don’t have time for shameless promotion! Time is ticking! The second hand is moving! Should I cut the red wire or the blue wire? What will happen to Kimmy? What…?

Torry: Focus, Jack, focus. Focus…on…the…Family. I just love that ministry, don’t you?

Jack takes a deep breath, begins to calm down.

Jack Bauer: Yes, I do. Sorry, brother. I didn’t have my quiet time this morning, and that always ruins the next 24 hours.

Torry: I know how it goes. I’ve had bad days before too. One time while living in Alaska, I woke up frozen to the floor. I’ve also had a bear block the path to my truck, a reindeer trapped in my kitchen, a moose stuck in my window…

Jack Bauer: Sounds like an average day to me.

Torry: But God always carries me through. He redeemed, reclaimed, and re-purposed my life. And that’s why I…Oh look! Another eagle!

Jack Bauer bangs his head against a wall.

For more information about Torry Martin, click here.